being strong feels weak!

[Shelly]

I wish my friends didnt think i was so strong! they rely on me to keep them grounded but i can hardly ground myself! I wish i could just not have feelings I cant control everyones! Ive been through horrible horrible things and they say thats y im so strong but to me im not...Ive tried to kill myself so many times but i just wouldnt go! Losing my baby was hard and the most pain ive encountered, even more than rape, and molestation and abuse! It broke me! I wanted to die and I tried hard! I drank 2 liters of whiskey a day! My baby was due on Halloween 2012 and I lit japanese lanterns and sent them to the beyond wherever my sweet child was but my  Fiance' at the time didnt think celebrating its birthday was appropriate and it was actually morbid! He wouldnt attend our childs ceremony! So that night i started drinking heavily and continued until i was admitted into icu!I was hospitalized for weeks alone. I now how pancreatitis and thats all! Im dying...which is what i wanted but im forced to endure my pain and others until i go which is unknown as of yet! How do they think im strong? I tried to die! I wanted to! I didnt! I still hurt, I feel everyones pain and I know their struggle and I cant fix them or make that pain stop!I cant stand their pain or struggles!  I wasnt asked to be born this way...I dont want all those feelings and emotions! I just want my happiness back! ive only felt that happy one time in my life and its beyond me to describe! I left my fiance' last year for someone I was drawn to strongly...He is as of now the love of my life, I was incredibly happy for the first fucking time this year in march and he flashed out on drugs and held me hostage for 3 days in my house all the while choke slamming me and not allowing me to go outside! All becuz he has been thru so much shit that he is not okay...I however have to deal with my luv being in jail and supporting myself when Im disabled! My love for him, i feel made me weak and my past actions i see as being weak so Y do they come to me? They dont know what I am or if I have any abilities...Y do they feel i can help? I have to try to help because its not in me to not! I cant make them feel like i do when i feel strong, I can barely hold myself up! I do not know what to do! I pine over my lost love and feel half of a person and when i speak to him everything vanishes! My bubble of happy is back but only briefly becuz at the end of the night im alone and he's there! He swears he's gonna get help for his problems and I know he needs it! I couldnt live with myself if anything happened to him and I wasnt there! I dont know if i want this gift...it seems like a curse! I just want to be happy before I die! I want my Will! I want my happy ending like my ex fiance has! My ex fiance is now expecting a baby with his new younger gf and doesnt acknowledge our child! Im here in my grimm fairy tale...no fairytale happy ending for me...just pain and wondering each time i sleep if I'll wake up! Since my hospital stay ive noticed my emotions are way to strong and I dont know how to control them! 

[Bill Walker]

Wherever you are, know that I care! What you described above is being an empath. I wish I had been around when you wrote this ten years ago!