Poetry- "Untitled 4"

[Pan]

I learned how to love myself by the way you loved me.

.

Studied at the table of angry glances and displeasure

Held myself rigid with fear, at every clenched finger

Around the fork and knife hovering near

All for the way I cooked your dinner

.

I learned how to love myself by the way you loved me.

.

Took notes on every way you turned your back

Nose,

Eyes,

Cheek

Mocked my passion and interests with bared teeth

.

I learned how to love myself by the way you loved me.

.

Remembered the words you called me

A liar, a thief, a cheat, and a slut

Stupid, Inconsistent, Incapable, Not Enough

Using them like flash cards before a test

Drilling it in my thick stubborn skull that I have no “best”

.

I learned how to love myself by the way you loved me.

.

Organizing my life with tabs and carefully labeled files

I knew never to list myself as a priority.

I knew never to put myself out of place.

Because it was selfish and cruel to others

I know that I have no empathy

I know that I don’t ever change

.

I learned how to love myself by the way you loved me.

.

With fists and boots I beat and kicked

Never learned any lesson without force

You were right I didn’t get the message

It needed to be driven in

.

I learned how to love myself by the way you loved me.

.

Took advantage of my own power

To wield it without remorse

I grasped for the sadistic pleasure

Of what I made of my own shuddering form

I don’t deserve anything less.

I don’t deserve anything more.

.

I learned to love myself by the way you loved me.

.

Ruthlessly.

Without compassion or regard to my needs

I learned how to exploit my weaknesses

Strip away my strengths and power

Regurgitated your loathing I believed

And turned it into a faith I followed religiously

I starved myself of love of food of the sun

Punishing myself in your place

Because I knew that's what you would have done

And I didn’t want to forget how to be the humble one

I don’t know how to live without punishments for my guilt

Little things that eat at me till I’m raw

I need consequences now, to ease the anxiety of being wrong

Of being flawed

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I learned how to love myself by the way you loved me.

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But the way you loved me was wrong.

.

Now I don't know how to love myself at all.