Advice to a young woman on another website asking about unrequited love...

[Leila Raven]

Hi I know we've just meet, but I feel I can trust you. Can I ask for some advise?
There is this guy. Last year I wrote him a letter confessing my feelings towards him. His in my band so we see each other alot. We talk and tell each other everything, he knows all my scecrets and I know all of his. What his told me about his ex's descusts me, I don't know how anyone could treat someone with such dissrespect. His sweet, kind, careing so I guess its easy for some to take adventige. I am sceriously in love with this guy and have sent him blessings and loving thoughts. I approached him about this letter resently, he dosn't feel the same. I wanted to disslike him so much but he chose his words so carefully. He seems so perfect and his so beautiful. I feel really hurt, but I still love him...I also feel guilty and angry, but I still want to be his friend and maybe one day more than that. I am really lost and don't know what to feel at the moment. Is what I am feeling normal and is there any way I can make his past less painful? I'm so confussed at the moment. I
 selfishly want him for my own but I also want whats best for him.

 

I know how hard that hurt and longing can be when you feel you love someone, and so desperately want to share that love with them, and it's not returned. There are two very real things going on for you, I'm guessing, based from my own experiences in past years and in talking and sharing with others.

One is that you really genuinely have developed loving caring feelings for this guy, that's the part of you, that is actually not hurting, that's the part of you that is okay with letting him go if he doesn't love you because all you want as someone who loves him, is his happiness, and for him to follow his own heart. When we love someone we wouldn't want them to be in a relationship they felt wasn't right for them, even if it meant us losing out.

The other thing you have going on is a big empty hurt inside. This strong need you have to be loved, which was likely there well before you even met this guy. When you do develop feelings for anyone, this big need you have is always going to jump on and piggy back. It's going to tear you up inside, feeling like your needing and missing something, some love, that isn't there. Even if they love you fiercely back, there will probably remain a part that is feeling need and lacking in love.

Now, society has really driven this idea of soul mates home to many of us, and that naturally we start to think, of course we hurt and are empty and yearning for love, when we've been torn apart from a soul mate, or are only half of some twin flame... I believe this is in part a social lie, to keep people feeling insecure, unloved, and easy to be controlled...

Not that we don't have soul mates, the wonderful thing, is we have many. People are their own perfect whole flame, and you can forge a loving bond with any other soul who wishes to form one with you. Any two souls that choose to create a loving soul bond can become soul mates... this I have experienced for myself, have previous memory of from previous lives. I'm still living and loving with my soul mate of 18 years together in this life, so I think I'm coming from a place of positive experience.

So what is that big empty love needing hurt then.. that's the love you're missing giving yourself.

You've probably heard that stupid saying that if you don't love yourself you can't really love someone else? Well it's kind of true, of course you can love them, but that big needing to be loved hurt you're feeling... well that's going to cause all kinds of problems in your life and in your relationships, because no one else can fill that.

The first and primary love we have to fill is that of self love. Not just liking the parts of ourselves we are proud of, but accepting and loving all of ourselves, including the things we see as flaws or negatives. Understanding that these are all facets of what makes us uniquely us, and if we didn't have the 'bad' parts, we wouldn't have the 'good' parts either.

The amazing thing that happens when you really come to accept yourself, love yourself, and share yourself authentically with others. Is when you fall for other people and love them, you become just that part of you that is totally okay with whatever you do or don't share together, and just wanting that other person to be happy.

The other amazing thing that happens, is most people start automatically loving you back, and you'll find yourself with more love than you know what to do with.

I know, that was long, and maybe not what you wanted to hear... but that's what I've got... lol.

How to love yourself more?... start talking to yourself, you'll figure it out. :)

Sometimes it helps to think of part of yourself as the loving caretaking parenting part that guides the rest.