Attorneys

[William J. Coblentz]

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[William J. Coblentz]

Ah, like I just did, OK. Another chance to laugh at myself, oh boy, oh boy. ar ar

[Sirian Starlight]

I just simply mean that it takes an explanation for the message to sink in about what the joke was to get it, or making a joke of equal impact.

[William J. Coblentz]

Depth perception? Ah, now I'm drawing a blank again - what feels too good to be true?

[Sirian Starlight]

Ah, the depth perception problem. You speak of something so emboldened that it feels too good to be true.

[William J. Coblentz]

Maybe it will, but "mush-be-mouth" humor (Bill Cosby character from his Fat Albert cartoons) is a bit of a reach until I tune in.

[Sirian Starlight]

I was just trying to make a joke out of a drugged up or alcoholic attorney coming into work and scamming people that they're high functioning because they're only sober when outside court. I thought it would fit in well with justifying stupid attorneys who are sober and make themselves look like a 3 year old unable to form complete sentences.

[William J. Coblentz]

Uh, Sirian Starlight, you lost me on these comments, sorry. Count me a sleepwalker on these comments, too, I guess, huh? ar ar

[Sirian Starlight]

Witness be like:... "this guy be sleep walking half cut on the job man"

Judged be like:... "stand down, Attorney"

Attorney be like:... "Just another loss in the office"

[William J. Coblentz]

Yes, we were just discussing various people's stupidity recently, too.

[MARGARIDA MARIA MADRUGA]

The last one made me laugh out loud. Well worth it for the end of a terrible day.